Acceptance First
Have you been to coaches and therapists who promised to change you?
What happens if you do not?
The world of coaching and therapy is unfortunately steeped in the language of trying to change people. After struggling as a therapist for his first decade, Dr. Luttrell realized that something had to change. When he tried to change others, it resulted in poor outcomes. It is hard to unlearn the language of the whole profession that we are here to "change" people.
Paradoxical Change
Dr. Luttrell was inspired by his exposure to Gestalt therapy and Carl Rogers’ humanistic approach that emphasized unconditional acceptance. Writing about how Gestalt therapy works, Dr. Arnold Beisser described his "Paradoxical Theory of Change":
"Change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is -- to be fully invested in his current positions. By rejecting the role of change agent, we make meaningful and orderly change possible. ...
"The Gestalt therapist rejects the role of 'changer,' for his strategy is to encourage, even insist, that the patient be where and what he is. He believes change does not take place by 'trying,' coercion, or persuasion, or by insight, interpretation, or any other such means. Rather, change can occur when the patient abandons, at least for the moment, what he would like to become and attempts to be what he is.”
Many therapists and coaches have defined their success by helping clients achieve their goals, but putting your success in the hands of someone else is very volatile. When your success is defined by external circumstances, it's a roller coaster ride!
Realizing this, one day, Dr. Luttrell wrote a post that said, “I quit….being a change agent.” He has not looked back. Of course, clients still come to Dr. Luttrell looking for change. It's not that goals are unimportant, but that we must start with a foundation of acceptance. Since adopting this position, he feels that his work with clients radically transformed and is more fulfilling. Ironically, clients seem to grow more as a result.
Growth or Grace?
Which is more important: growth or grace? How do we balance the two?
There is truth in both sides, but if we had to pick a place to start with, we would start with acknowledging our need for grace and acceptance first and then working through healing and growth second. Both sides need the other. Grace without growth ultimately does not satisfy, but then growth without grace will lead you into a trap of shame. Grace and acceptance should naturally lead to growth. While Christians tend to put a lot of emphasis on change, we should also be aware that change can only happen after we find grace and accept ourselves for the way we are, not the way we want to be or "ought" to be.
The philosophy of HigherChange is summarized by our motto, "Acceptance First.” We believe that accepting people for who they are is the key to bring about genuine healing and transformational change. But acceptance does not mean settling for less. It's about embracing the present while inspiring positive change. This approach recognizes the significance of unconditional acceptance as a fundamental step in fostering personal growth in your relationships and your emotional well-being.
Dr. Luttrell was also reminded that in the Bible, only God can "create in me a clean heart." God promises to "take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh." He also looks to the example of Christ. When the woman who was caught in adultery was brought before Jesus, rather than focusing on "leave your life of sin," Jesus first told her, "Neither do I condemn you.” A lot of Christians skip over that part. God invites us to "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." If the One who created us chooses to accept us the way we are first, then certainly we cannot do better than God.
Outcomes of Acceptance
Here are several reasons why "Acceptance First" or acceptance as a first step is important for the healing and change of individuals:
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Psychological Safety: Acceptance creates a safe and non-judgmental environment where individuals feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of rejection or criticism. This psychological safety encourages them to explore their emotions and vulnerabilities, which are essential for healing and change.
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Building Trust: When people feel accepted for who they are, trust is established between them and their support network, whether it be friends, family, or therapists. Trust is vital in promoting open communication and cooperation, which are key factors in the healing process.
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Self-Compassion: Acceptance encourages self-compassion, which is crucial for personal growth. When individuals accept their strengths and weaknesses, they are more likely to treat themselves with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness. Self-compassion enables them to confront their challenges and mistakes with a growth mindset, fostering positive change.
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Reducing Shame and Stigma: Often, individuals struggling with issues such as mental health, addiction, or trauma may experience shame and stigma associated with their condition. Acceptance helps break down these barriers, allowing them to seek help and support without feeling ashamed or stigmatized.
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Empowerment and Autonomy: When people are accepted for who they are, they gain a sense of empowerment and autonomy. This empowerment is a catalyst for change as they become more motivated to take ownership of their healing journey and actively work towards positive transformations.
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Authentic Self-Exploration: Acceptance allows individuals to explore their thoughts, emotions, and experiences more authentically. By acknowledging their true selves without judgment, they can gain deeper insights into their needs and motivations, facilitating meaningful personal growth.
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Resilience and Coping: A foundation of acceptance helps build resilience and coping skills. When individuals know they are accepted, they can better cope with life's challenges, setbacks, and stressors, leading to increased emotional strength and adaptability.
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Fostering Supportive Relationships: An "Acceptance First" approach cultivates more supportive and understanding relationships. When people feel accepted, they are more likely to surround themselves with others who value and respect them, creating a positive support network for healing and growth.
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Encouraging Vulnerability and Openness: Acceptance reduces the fear of being vulnerable and promotes openness in sharing experiences and emotions. This vulnerability allows for deeper connections with others, which can be immensely therapeutic and transformative.
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Sustainable Change: True and lasting change comes from a place of self-acceptance. When individuals embrace their authentic selves and feel accepted by others, they are more likely to make sustainable changes in their lives, driven by a desire for personal growth rather than external pressure.
Acceptance in Therapy and Coaching
In summary, "Acceptance First" is a powerful and compassionate approach that recognizes the importance of unconditional acceptance as the foundation for healing and change. It creates an environment where individuals can explore their emotions, develop resilience, and work towards positive transformations without fear of judgment or rejection. By embracing this principle, individuals can find the support and encouragement needed to navigate their personal journeys of healing and growth. For more info check https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acceptance
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